I’ve been living a lonely life.
While I was I was trying to sleep, and he saw that I had a stream open with a videogamer streaming league of legends. What I didn’t realize until after he had left was that I also had some sites up that suggest I’m suicidal, and now I think he’s weirded out by me.
I got to talk to the man who restocks the vending machines in the main hall. I didn’t catch his name, but he told me about how he lived in Mexico in the late 60s. Then he told me that one of the vending machines is from Mexico and that’s why it’s so terrible all the time. Also, my pencils arrived. That makes me kind of happy, since they were expensive pencils. They’re Japanese mechanical pencils that turn the lead as you write so it doesn’t become uneven.
My mom went to see a neurosurgeon today. She was hoping for good news, but was served some of the worst news possible. It turns out that she was misdiagnosed back in 2005. She actually has glossopharyngeal neuralgia rather than trigeminal neuralgia, which means that the doctors who had diagnosed her were wrong about which nerve was damaged. This in turn led her to believe that gamma knife surgery, a risky procedure in which the nerve is radiated in an attempt to kill the nerve ending and stop the pain, was her best and only option if she wanted to keep her quality of life. The gamma knife surgery not only failed, it left her with a nerve that constantly sends signals to the brain that are interpreted as a burning sensation on the right side of her face. To top it all off, this new neurosurgeon (who is apparently world-renwoned and performed brain surgery on pope francis) believes that he can no longer help her because of the gamma knife surgery that she received nine years ago. He’s willing to perform exploratory brain surgery in an attempt to find something he can help with, but he is very doubtful. So doubtful in fact that he offered my mom a last-resort option: having her right ear canal removed so that she would no longer feel the pain from the gamma knife surgery, but it would consequently leave her deaf in her right ear and she would still feel the pain from the damage to her ninth nerve. Why did this have to happen to my mom? She is literally the most honest, caring person I’ve ever met in my entire life, and yet she has to deal with this illness. This illness that leaves her in excrutiating pain every day. This illness that is commonly referred to as the suicide disease. This illness that requires her to take enough medications to “put a horse to sleep” as her primary care doctor has said. If there is a god, I wish it the worst.
And that’s how it is going to be for the rest of my life.
I don’t think that I’ll ever really fit in. I’m too scared to try and drink because of the way it makes my dad act, which makes me one of “those kids”. I don’t want to smoke marijuana - not because I think it’s bad for you, but because I just don’t want to. I don’t like the smell and I don’t want to damage my lungs. I can’t afford to buy the clothes that are “in”. I usually end up losing my friends because they start to hang out with the normal crowd. The one’s who drink or smoke or can afford to do fun things. I don’t fit in with the studious kids because they are all extremely smart and try very hard to learn. I don’t fit in with the gamers because I just get frustrated and I’m never any good.
I never really had any friends in high school. I came into high school thinking that things would be different. I might actually make some friends that like me. Maybe the people from elementary school would have forgotten about how awkward I was. The first day of high school was the day that gave me hope. I came into school with Harry and he was good friends with people from elementary school, so we would hang out with them. They were mean to each other for fun, and I didn’t really like it. Lucas would call me fat all the time and a few of them would call me a dirty mexican, but I tried not to let it get to me. I’m also guilty of being a dick. I always gave Will a hard time about things, but I’m glad he did really well in high school. I eventually stopped hanging out with them because they made me feel bad, but I still talked to some of them in the halls and stuff. I had a group of asian “friends” that I made during freshman year, but I don’t think they ever really liked me. I would get mad all the time over stupid little things, and I was never advanced enough to understand what they were talking about if they happened to mention work from school. I tried quiz bowl for a time, but there was no use in doing that because it was clear to everyone on the team that I just wanted to seem smart. I think the one time I started to feel like I was fitting in was when I joined the rugby team. None of the older group actually took me seriously, and I guess it makes sense. I’m not very good. But despite that, I did make some lasting friends from the team and that was nice, but the team started to get worse and worse over time and I became disinterested senior year. Coach Robert Joseph thought I was the best on the team for a long time, and he is still someone that I think actually liked me. Senior year was a very topsy turvy year for me. I finally felt somewhat comfortable inside the school, and I was meeting new people. I fell madly in love with Sandhya and couldn’t stop thinking about her. She occupied my mind all the time every day even before I realized what I had gotten myself into. I joined science olympiad because I thought it would be fun, but it just reminded me that I’m not as smart as those around me and there’s no real point in trying. I could say the same about the debate tournament that I entered for who knows why. I never wrote a single line that I had spoken at that tournament - Alex wrote all of our things, and he made sure to call me out for it multiple times. He knows that I’m a stupid fraud. I became friends with Salman kind of, but I don’t know if he actually likes me. I met Willie, who is one of the nicest people I will ever know. All credit for this year basically goes to Sandhya. If I hadn’t met her, I would have still been miserable and felt like an outcast, but I didn’t that year. I felt like I could maybe belong with a smart group of people. That all changed when I was only accepted to Syracuse - a school with a 60+% acceptance rate. I didn’t make it into State. I didn’t make it into UNC. I didn’t make it into Michigan. This was when I really broke down. All of my stupidity and slacking off came to fruition. I only had one option, and it was to travel hundreds of miles North to go to a party school that I knew I would hate. I became really sad near the end of the school year and into the summer. I felt helpless. I was so mad and sad that I just wanted to hurt something. I never really got to give a proper goodbye to Sandhya before leaving, but I probably would have broke down crying if I had tried anyways.
I arrived in Syracuse to find out that it is a shit stain on the map of the United States. The city is decrepit and all of the buildings delapidated. The campus is huge but unappealing. I got to Shaw Hall and entered my room. My parents and sister were all drooling over the space and hardwood floors, but I knew what this meant. This meant I had a different room. The single bed meant that I had no roommate. The fact that it is on the basement floor meant that I wouldn’t have many neighbors. I tried to look at the bright side of things. I was right across the hall from the recycling and trash room, and the bathrooms were new. When my parents left the room that day I just sat on my bed and cried my heart out because I knew that I was going to have the worst time of my life in this hell hole. My neighbors all turned out to be kids who drink excessively and play music so loud that it shakes the walls of my room. They call me a fag every once in a while and play pranks on me, but I’m used to it. It’s whatever. They constantly smoke weed and pee in the hallways, though, so that’s kind of annoying. First semester went well for me. I received 4 A’s and 1 B, though I could have and should have gotten straight A’s. I made the dean’s list and all of these honor societies sent me mail asking me to join them. I felt like maybe I still have a chance at transferring and not feeling miserable all the time. I kept in contact with Sandhya (we were and still are dating), but I didn’t feel like her friend anymore either. I knew she would make new friends and go out and do things with them. I knew she would end up drinking, and that made me cry uncontrollably every time for some reason. I just felt like I wasn’t a part of her life anymore and that she had made better guy friends at Georgetown. I mean, everyone there is rich and smart, so why would she want to stay close friends with some loser from high school who goes to a shitty school? Anyways, the first semester came and went without me making a single true friend other than Julian. I truly believe that Julian likes me for who I am, even though we barely ever see each other and we just do things over skype every once in a while. I met a guy named Vance through League of Legends who also lives in Shawl Hall, and we became “friends”. He doesn’t really treat me like a friend and all he does is smoke weed and hang out with other guys who smoke, so I never really was his friend. Another person I met through League was Steven, an asian guy who goes to Syracuse but lives off campus. I tried to be really nice from the get-go so that they would like me (he was in a sort of group of league players who were all friends, including Vance). I gave him my 60 dollar Razer Death Adder mouse when his was no longer working, but I guess he just doesn’t remember that because the only thing he ever talked to me for after that day was to see if I could enter the housing lottery for him - he knew that I was trying to transfer and he wanted me to enter the lottery in his name, which I couldn’t do because if I didn’t get accepted anywhere, I thought I would stay here (my mom later told me we can’t afford another year at Syracuse so I’d have to go to Durham Tech and try to transfer somewhere else). He got mad at me and so did Vance, but oh well. Second semester has been a struggle. My mom told me that she is going to go through with the invasive brain surgery for her trigeminal neuralgia, which is extremely dangerous. When she had the laser surgery, it ended up making her illness even worse, with constant burning on the side of her face. I cried for a few days when I found out about her decision to go with the invasive brain surgery, but I guess it’s not my call. I started slacking off on my studies and now have two C’s that I don’t know what I’m going to do about. I hope my acceptance isn’t rescinded, but there isn’t much I can do about that at this point. I accidentally texted Sandhya in my sleep today because of a dream I was having, and the text read “why did u get drunk”. I then woke up when she texted back and told me “because it was Georgetown day”. We had a conversation about how her drinking makes me feel really bad, and she promised not to drink anymore, so I assumed that Georgetown day was back in November or something, but just to be sure I asked when it was and she told me it was yesterday. I broke down crying uncontrollably for a while. I don’t know why, but I did. And then I realized it shouldn’t matter to me whether or not she drinks, so I guess I’m over it. Let’s hope I don’t fail my finals next week.